One thing I have always believed is that our thoughts shape our life, our experiences, our joy, our feelings and our destiny. If we walk around thinking negatively all the time then it is only natural that we are going to have a pretty sucky experience no matter what we are doing. If we think we cannot then we will not but if we think we can we will not give up until we do.
As with everything we learn, we are never experts straight off the bat, we had to learn to walk and talk, we didn’t come out of the womb just knowing these things. And we were never perfect at them first go, or second, third or fourth etc. Some of us struggle even today with clumsiness and grammar etc (uh-mm yeah me for one lol – thank God for spell and grammar check). The reality is that if you fall down, that doesn’t mean you have failed. It means you have learned something new in the steps to achieving your goals. You get up, you apply your learned knowledge, you try again and you keep doing that until you get to where you want to be. You will only fail if you give up – everything else is just a lesson.
Our minds are very powerful, it is out thoughts that create our reality. You could have 2 people in a room with the same situation and they would both have different opinions on the occurrences etc and that is based on the way their brains process information. If they are habitually positive then they will come out of said situation with something positive from the encounter but if they are habitually negative then they are more likely to come out with a negative view of the encounter. Both encounters are real to their owners if no one else, based on their own belief systems.
Here is an example that was given to me by my psychologist when my mental health was at a low – I have changed it slightly for the purposes of this blog; I also include a raw over-view according to my insights of characteristics for each personality type.
“You have been invited to a party. You rock up, knock on the door and the host answers. The hosts face drops a little when they see you and look around to see if anyone else is present with you. They let you in, say a quick hello and move off muttering that they need to ‘sort out’ things that still need their attention leaving you to ‘let yourself in’ and start mingling.”
The habitually negative person will likely see it this way:
The habitually negative (HN) are self focused, everything is always about them and may seem like they are constantly a victim of one thing or another. These people cannot help but focus on the look of disappointment on the hosts face and the way they looked around for someone else; instantly HN is upset; they believe the host was looking for a distraction to get away from them. They will note that the host barely acknowledged them and will likely forget if the host said hello or not. They WILL remember that almost immediately the host made an excuse to leave them as soon as they could. They will reason that the host really did not want them there and only gave a ‘pity’ invite. As a result they will deliberately distance themselves from the group waiting for ‘one on one’ attention from the host to prove they were wanted (in their own mind) which they really do know is not likely as the host needs to mingle with the group rather than be ‘one on one’ with them the whole time – this will further serve their feelings of unimportance or insignificance which will only raise their feeling of offence. These people will either leave early, or deliberately (in an unconscious manner) have a really bad evening because they have decided the host was trying to humiliate them or just doesn’t like them.
The habitually positive person will likely see it this way:
The habitually positive (HP) acknowledge that not everything is about them. HP would notice the look of disappointment on the hosts face and the way they look around as a clear indication that they are impatiently waiting for someone (co-host / partner or something to that nature) to turn up. They would not even entertain the thought that the hosts is disappointed with them. They would likely notice that the host is looking around anxiously, quickly saying hello and then getting back to sorting the food. However, instead of thinking ‘avoidance’ they would link the look of disappointment on the hosts face at entry and the anxious behaviour and assume the host is running late so these people would likely make themselves useful to try and ease the hosts tension.
This is the exact same situation from 2 different points of view – you can clearly see why each person feels or thinks the way they have. One view is internal, unaware and negative and the other is external, aware and positive. They both tell stories about their owner not the host.
The owner of the first point of view is a self conscious and self criticising person who believes they do not deserve attention and are not important so constantly expects rejection and thus sees it in every person at some point which hurts because they really ‘want’ to be wrong about that. The HN type are easily offended, critical, judgemental and can be hard to get along with. They tend to reject people before those people can reject them. They may come across ‘angry’, ‘depressed’, ‘too good’ for others or have a ‘what about me’, ‘my life is so bad’ attitude. They may not consciously realise they think so badly about themselves but their actions betray their sub-conscious beliefs. This person tends to project their internal self loathing onto the outside world believing that it is ‘everyone else’ who is the problem not themselves. Even though they will attract others just like them into their world and perpetuate a circle of dysfunctional relationships not everyone in their life is like that; the ones that aren’t like this will eventually tire of this never ending negative-ness and distance themselves and thus Mr/Ms Negative will truly become victims of their own making.
The owner of the second point of view sometimes can get too caught up in the positive that it takes a while for them to see the negative energy vampire in their mist but when they do, they will limit contact with them and distance themselves from it (or try to). The HP type of people will try to find the fun in any activity, the joy of life, the beauty in the mundane and also try to help others that may be down find enjoyment in the moment even if it is just a moment. You don’t need a group to have fun with this person. They have the ability to make you feel good about yourself warts and all and allow you to be who you are 100% without judgement or criticism. They try not to let a situation control them but if they are surrounded by negative energy this can bring them down, drain them of their positiveness which could lead to dissatisfaction in their life/job/partner/friendship etc. This type of person has the ability to not only attract people with the same energy as them but also those that are negative. No body wants to be negative, and as explained by science there is a good reason why the negative seek out the feel good people in their lives. It all has to do with Oxytocin, Dopamine, Endorphins and Serotonin – these are the feel good hormones and the ones that are responsible for our ‘happy’ feelings.
These are just my observations, I am not a psychologist but I am a very observant analytical person who can read people and the energy they give off. This is termed as empathic. I have been told on multiple occasions that people feel better when they talk to me, because I sense what they are feeling and why and validate that for them but also giving them an option or alternative view if I have one to give. I tend to be the person people seek out when they need to clear the fog and sort through their thoughts and feelings.
Now, if you see yourself in either of these examples it is only natural, and the reality is you may see a bit of both because at times we are both. In my experience, there is a sliding scale and it all depends on the people we are with at any particular moment, our surroundings, the energy of our group of friends, job or home. So don’t take this to heart, I have been both, and will continue to experience both – however by being present and mindful, I do intend to limit the negative Nelly moments to a absolute minimum as much as I possibly can. We cannot be ‘hunky dory’ every minute of every day of every week and I will not punish myself for being human and neither should you.
The beauty is that if you are now more self-aware of some habits you own that you don’t like, you can do something about it. You should be able to see now how your thoughts can change your experience from the above example. So simply being more mindful of your thoughts and changing them if they are negative is a big step – TIP: looking for the beauty and compassion in a situation when you feel yourself being negative and not stopping until you do will make your choice deliberate not sub-conscious.
Did you know that you cannot have a positive and negative thought at the same time? So if you deliberately think positive and give that your energy there is no room for negative. Sing a positive song, go to your favourite memory, smell your favourite perfume or essential oil or listen to some uplifting music.
I REALLY truly understand that this may be a difficult thing to master, you will likely find it draining and maybe even exhausting, but learning anything new is. Nothing worth the effort is ever easy. It will take persistence, mindfulness and developing new habitual thought patterns but that’s a good thing. Take comfort though, our minds are waiting to help us – our sub-conscious minds take over habitual activities that seemingly need no thought, such as moving your arm or in this case being habitually negative or positive. So if you are consistent, persistent and mindful. Eventually your sub-conscious will recognise your new thoughts as a habit and whaa-laaa-bim-bam-boom you have successfully changed your habitual personality to positive.
Picture this, you are now enrolled in the University of You, where you are studying a Bachelors degree in ‘Creative Arts” and a Bachelor in “Applied Leadership and Critical Thinking” – fine arts, graphic design, creative and professional writing and photography, expanding your thinking styles and growing your personal ethical approach to leadership. Explore and harness your creativity. Nurture your passion for innovative and analysis. All necessary to create your vision, be your own leader, think in new ways and most of all be creative with it all to establish a visual picture you graphically design from thoughts, mental pictures, emotions, self analysis and application. Believe in yourself, identify emotionally and mentally with your creation and use intention to go out and get it.
The Law of Attraction is another thing that is based on the principles of our thoughts and energy only with more depth; but it is excitingly, fascinatingly all linked. I will be discussing this is in future blogs.
If you have gained something from this article; already incorporate this into your life or have an example of when you have used this process to improve your experiences I would love to hear about it.
Just remember, this is only food for thought, for the purpose of considered self improvement so that you can truly be the best version of you and live your best life. Love yourself enough to give yourself permission to dream, reach and believe. Why settle for mediocre when you can have magnificent.
**** Question for you ****
Do you have a particular routine you use to bring positivity back in those low moments none of us can avoid? I would love to hear about it in the comments below, be brave and share you could be helping someone else in the process – sharing is caring.